Happy Birthday Tinkerbell

I bought a balloon for my friend who's birthday is today. It's a star with a picture of Tinkerbell on the front and "Have a Magical birthday!" written in big golden letters. I am holding on to it as I walk around Annapolis and people are wishing me a magical birthday. At first I told them it was for a friend, but I realized those people might think my friend was a seven year old girl... I've decided it best to just smile politely and say thank you.

Biosemiotics

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biosemiotics

fall

It's getting cold and my classes are settling into a rhythm, settling up though, not down... I'm off to Goodwill to buy some sweaters with a few of my friends (yes, I have friends)... I wish the leaves on the trees would change colors. Don't they know that winter's coming! Did they not get the memo! It's fall, gosh darn it! CHANGE!...

The Homeric world

My classmates and I are officially done with Homer, as of Thursday night. The next book we're reading is the Platonic dialogue, Meno. After the intensity of Achilles, Odysseus, Agamemnon, Menelaus, Hector, Zeus, Athene and all the other characters in Homer's epics, good ol' Socrates, in his calm confusion will be a welcome break...

Crew

6:00 am monday through friday... It's pretty rough. In fact, I slept through my alarm the second and third day of practice. I mean, I usually don't go to bed until at least 1 and even then I can't seem to fall asleep... 5 hours is not enough sleep... Anyway, in order to make sure that I get up for practice, one of the upperclassmen comes and bangs on my door until I open it... it works like a charm. Seriously though, how cool is that?

To be prepared...

It's better to go into class with a hundred questions than it is to go in with a hundred answers... I wonder if it's same for life...

Sitting back in my Johnnie Chair...

I have never felt so open. I am a field, an expanse of blue sky, a book the size of the world lying flat on a table it's pages exposed and empty, gleaming white….
Freedom has never meant so much to me. In the past to be free, in my mind, one simply had to avoid jail cells or the timeout chair. I never thought that freedom actually existed, that someone could actually be outside, or above, or without the restrictions set on us all by the world.
The restrictions of thought, of attitude, of direction seem to be built into us, the foundations of our very person seemed to be created by them. We are constantly told that we can only climb so high, learn so much, be this or that kind of person. Specialize, specialize, specialize! Is the call from our superiors and teachers. Learn a trade, a science, a profession and do that and that alone. Be somebody.
But here you don't have to be somebody, you don't have to be anybody, you simply have to be aware. We aren't told how to dig into the feast of Truth that lays banqueted on the table before us all. Sitting back in our Johnnie Chairs we never touch our forks, nor lay a finger on silver spoons, and yet we are filled, though never full. We do not gorge the supply of knowledge by filling our own plates, stuffing our own mouths, trying desperately to consume every morsel of it before one another. It is not a race, it is not a competition, the only person who will starve is the person that wants to put all that beautiful food inside them, where it will be ingested and turned to shit.
We share the droplets of water sliding down the curves of grapes freshly washed and do not dry them. We admire the platters upon which mounds and mounds of desserts are piled on but do not lift them. We share all this food without passing a plate, or cutting a turkey. You can not have your cake and eat it too. You can not eat your freedom… nor can you have it. You simply must be.

Do I love the truth?

Orientation was today. The question raised in one of the discussions following the tour was- Above all else, do you love the truth? I have to admit that I am a raving narcissist. I find myself walking around the campus, or sitting at a table and while I'm enjoying the people's company around me, I'm also constantly thinking of the ways that I am better or worse than them. And when I see someone whom I deem to be better, more well-rounded, more intelligent, better looking than I am I feel a twinge of loathsomeness sneak into my consciousness. I want to better than, to be the best and it seems the task would be much easier if everyone else sucked a little more. I catch myself dreaming of people's faults, of the ways that I excel past them. And so the question, Do you love the truth? will take on a whole new level of pertinence when I enter my first seminar tonight. If I look at the conversation as a competition then I will miss the point. The robe of my ego will get wrapped around my legs and I will fall clumsily, silently to the ground when the conversation moves to a point I can't grasp, or when I interject a comment another person has said already. It is not me or them who wins a conversation. It is something entirely seperate. It is the truth that ultimately is the victor of a good conversation. But... this place is great and it is full of people who know that they know what they do not know. Hopefully, I can let go of "Ben" and find the truth.
Also, I have a friend who has informed me that he has a cello, an extra cello, that he would be willing to let me use. Furthermore, he will sit down with me and teach me, as best he can, to play... I have another who wants to help me learn to read sheet music. So... I am set.
Did I tell you about the piano freckles that this school has? They are EVERYWHERE!!!

These brick pathways

I am finally at St. John's College. It's a bit surreal. It feels like home... I have this constant sensation of nostalgia, like I've met these people, seen these classrooms, listened to the tutors before. I don't think that in my past life I was here, or anything like that. But I do think that when you find a place that you are truly meant to be, a place that fits, that clicks, that slides into the void that your mind has created, there is a resonance that travels through every fiber of You.
I have dreamed about this place before I even knew it existed. I have thought about the kinds of people that my classmates seem to resemble. I've laid on the grass, swing danced on the dance floor, rested in the farthest corner of the library in thought, in imagination, in hopeful bliss. I have been here a million times over in China, in long bus rides, right before I fall asleep, I walked these brick pathways. It feels... good. I feel good. I'm home.
But it's only a launching pad......
I'm afraid that someone's going to casually pinch my arm, or gently nudge me off a cliff and I'll wake up...
I don't deserve this... not yet, at least.

I have arrived!

"It's like a seven and a half hour drive." So said Chris, my uncle. And I say "MALARKEY!"
It took 11... it should have taken 8, but the damn GPS was being pissy... and we weren't paying attention to the signs. Too much nostalgia and not enough sleep.
I'm here now though, in MD... after 11 hours in the car. Did I mention that?
Registration is tomorrow at 8:45 am. I should be tired. Shoot, I should be asleep! But the adrenaline coursing through my veins says "Not now, Ben! Not now!" Maybe later... ("Maybe not!")
ST. JOHN's, here I come!

Hogwarts

Since the first time I heard of St. John's it has had a certain mythical quality in my mind. The whole application process was a whirlwind of essay writing, website reading, mother consoling that lasted a whole two weeks! It was ridiculous! After my mother dragged me through the college application process for the second time, after all the stressful nights writing essays and official visits for crew, the pit in my stomach, the knots in my mothers back and the grey hairs sprouting from her throbbing noggin, the damn school found me! It was serendipitous, a miracle, a gift from God! How the heck did this happen?!?
I have never seen the campus, nor talked to any students, faculty or alumni. I've read about the program but never in great enough detail and I'm still unsure as to what classes I will be taking or what my schedule will be like. I feel like Harry Potter must have felt when he first learned that he was going to Hogwarts. Scared because it's all unknown. Excited because it's all unknown. Anxious because it's all unknown! It's all unknown! Oh my geezum flippin burgers!
St. John's is my Disney World. So many new rides to try. Like the "Dialectic Dominator!" and the "Circular Seminar Siren!" I'm even excited to try the classic "Homework!" ride...
Not only am I excited to go to St. John's, I'm excited to go back to school! School! Oh, how I've missed the classroom, the friends, the moments of insight and overwhelming curiosity. The feeling of a new pen, the smell of a fresh notebook, the weightlessness of my backpack yet to be weighed down by scrap paper and broken pencils. It's all so glorious...
And I will be there, down in Annapolis, across the street from the Naval Academy, 20 minutes from my Aunt, 50 from D.C., and a whopping 500 miles from home in just TWO days...
TWO DAYS!!!!!

Dog Ear

I am off to St. John's College in Annapolis MD. I am lifting and turning and gently placing the last page in the most recent chapter of my life. St. John's is a school that few people know about, in a town that is popular, in a state that is very different from NH. It is a new horizon and a new home. I'm excited out of my scull and nervous and anxious... What if my classmates don't like me? What if I turn out to be stupid? Or the school isn't what I've been lead to believe... I'm afraid that I will wake up one day to realize that St. John's was too good to be true, that I was dreaming it all up behind closed eye lids.
It has been a long year. I traveled. I coached. I read. I grew. I have gained a lot from my gap year. It has allowed me to grow in ways that I never expected or fully understand now. I feel as though college will be the time for the dust from this last year to settle and for me to emerge as more of my own person than I have ever been.
Just three more days...

Philo continued...

Hold on to your hats, I'm about to get a little Socratic on you all...
I asked the question: Why is philosophy important? To answer it, I ask you this: Why are the other sciences important?
Science allows us to grapple with the world. To understand it, to use it, to save it, to appreciate it. But there is part of the world that is not so concrete, that is and will forever be theoretical--->There is a theoretical branch of physics. There are math equations that may never be used in a practical setting. There are things in biology that can't be explained.
Philosophy!!!
OKay, I'm talking to much. Let me just say this to sum up my point-
Philosophy helps us understand that part of the world that is intangible, unprovable and elusive. The fact that we are able to question life, look for God, or think we have a purpose, to me points to something larger than us. But maybe I am confusing philosophy with theology... Philosophy is the pursuit, through rational thought, of truth and understanding. But our minds are irrarional! Our minds are faulty! Our minds are incapable of grasping what we so desperately desire to find!... Isn't that exciting! The pursuit of the unattainable?! Thats every adventurers dream! But remember, that you must enjoy the pursuit, otherwise its not worth it!
"Try to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not seek answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Perhaps then you will, without noticing it, live some distant day into the answer. " (Rainer Rilke)
Ahhh life...
...I think this is a topic that i will periodically come back to...

Philosophy

I am a huge fan of the sciences. I mean, what is there not to love. The more knowledge and understanding of the world, especially when its based off of experiments, strict observation and analysis, the better. Physics is concrete. Biology is tangible. Math is boring... but necessary.
I was watching a show on Time Travel the other night. Much of it was just about the crazy musings of some estranged physicists, but there was also a lot of talk about what Time is, in scientific terms. As I sat listening, and felt the complex ideas whizzing over my head, one low-flying thought hit me square in the face- Philosophy will never be so concrete or usable. Physicists use their knowledge of space-time to invent incredible machines. Doctors and sceintists use their knowledge of biology to save lives. Mathemeticians use their knowledge of math to avoid girls and help slow down the exponential growth of our population.
Philosophy in my mind pales in comparison with these things. There is no real proof or hard, testable facts. Yet, philoophy seems to be just as important. Why?! How?!
Isn't it possible that philosophy and religion are crippling the human mind? Isn't it logical to dismiss all of those crazy ideas and thoughts and questions we all have? Hmm....
I dont know yet. Do you?

New Direction

Okay so, here's what I'm thinking. I'm back from my trip and my life isn't nearly exciting enough to blog about. However, I had an idea for a new direction of this blog.
I have decided to blog my thoughts, theories, ideas, hopes and everything else that I deem appropriate. Now, I am not doing this to impress people. I know my ideas are not unique or all that profound. I am doing this for a couple of reasons:
1. It'll be cool to see how my thoughts evolve over the year(s).
2. I want to know what other people think about what I think. Things such as "This is absolute BS!" or "Shut up you pompous prick!!!" are, though not very constructive, things I expect and even look forward to hearing. I would much prefer to get a response such as "Thats interesting, however..." or "I found a similar thing in my own life..." or even "Hey, have you ever thought about this...?" And of course, I wouldn't mind a few "You're super cute!"s or "I'm in love with you."s...
3. To shut my mom up about my not doing anything.
4. To create an open forum for the exchange of ideas.

Alright.

So, I don't expect anyone to read this blog. And although I will be disappointed, this blog is as much for me as it is for anyone who decides to tune in, and thus, I don't need anyone to listen. PLease don't misunderstand me, I want people to read my blog posts because I want feedback and discussion. I have a very small view of the world and if I ever want to break outside the little four by four room of my thought, i need to hear what others have to say. So yes, this is a selfish blog to some extent but only to the extent that you want it to be. I hope to create an open discussion, a flowing of ideas that will help us all to mature and get smahta (smarter)... or at least think we are smarter... or at least talk about things which make us sound smart. I don't know, I might just be really bored.

I will do my first "Thost" (Thought post) tomorrow.

I hope to hear from you!!!

In the Odyssey, Odyseuss left his homeland for 20 years. During his time away, even when he was living in rapture with Calypso indulging in all the pleasures known to man, he was overwhelmed with nostalgia. He longed for his home land, for the finite of the life he left two decades earlier. The greatest adventurer of all time turned out to also be the "the greatest nostalgic!"
When he finally was placed back on the shores of his beloved Ithaca, he was elated. But his ebullience was short-lived. After the initial high of his "Great Return" the people, most of whom he was unfamiliar with, began to detail to him the events which had occured in Ithaca while he was away. Nothing bored him more.
To be fair, the people spoke with the best intentions, but they failed to do the one thing that Odyseuss longed for. They never asked to hear about his adventures. They told and told and told but never said "Tell us!" And so, Odysseus came to the inevitable conclusion that most people who travel for an extended period of time do- that the dearest treasure of his life, its essence, significance, purpose was in the time spent outside the borders of his home. And the only way to relive that glory is by telling about it...

Shangri La

I miss Shangri La the most. I miss Xien Xe, Jah Shua and all the kids at the orphanage.
I remember arriving every morning to the orphanage and having the kids rush out to me. "Shao tsung hao!" they would yell. I miss that...
I wonder how they are doing. I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them. I hope they know that I think about them constantly. Their smiles are burned onto the back of my eye lids. Whenever I close my eyes, or pause during my hectic day of TV watching, its their wind burned faces I see.
I would give anything to fly back to Shangri La, just for a day, so I could see them again. I would hug each of them and tell them that I missed them...
I hope I impacted them, because they impacted me so much that it hurts.

What to do...

My college applications are done. I have applied for a few jobs and contacted the new family shelter about volunteering. So, what do I do now?...
Everyone wishes to have no responsibilities. My high school friends envy my free time and my lack of a schedule. But its killing me!
In between my runs and workouts I sit at home, watch TV and listen half-heartedly to my mothers incessant nagging. She keeps asking me to do something. BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!...
I have never been so stressed out by nothing in my entire life.

Time has Passed

During my time in Asia I grew to view the world, myself and the problems that plague our society in a whole new light.
Though I worked hard, spending hours at the orphanage in Shangri La, building a new school in Cambodia, and teaching in Yongshuo I also had a lot of excess time to contemplate what I hoped to achieve from my journey and life in general.

I struggled for my entire trip with the question “How can I change the world?” In Shangri La, I sat in a café for hours reading the books I brought from home, frantically scribbling my thoughts on paper, and drinking milk tea. I felt I was making progress, that my thoughts would blaze new trails for humanitarian efforts, and change the world forever. But at the end of the day I had nothing more than a bad headache and two notebooks full of indecipherable scribbles.

When renewing my visa in Hong Kong, I met with a big businessman who was a friend of the executive director of Global Roots. In our meeting he told me that “To make change in the world, people need to listen to you and to do that they need to respect you. Before you can make an impact, you have to be successful.” My ideas were not unique. People have been talking about “happiness for all” and “world peace” for as long as the written word has existed. For my ideas to matter, I had to matter.

I took a year off after high school because I wanted to see what I could do, without school, or any form of support. If I could help people without an education, then why waste my time and money in a classroom? I now know, in the bottom of my heart, that college is where I need to be. I need to be stimulated and forced outside of my comfort zone. I want to learn and succeed more than almost anything in the world. I say ‘almost’ because the things I want most in the world have been said for generations. I hope to be one of the voices that lead my generation to realizing those goals.

Final Blog

I’m sorry its taken so long for me to write this final blog, but readjusting to being home has proven to be far more difficult than I had ever imagined. I have been thinking back on the experiences I have had over the last three months, and I can barely believe that I had them. I traveled many miles both physically and mentally, and through it all I learned a lot about myself and the world. I feel blessed to have been able to travel like I did while contributing my time to something meaningful, and I strongly encourage anyone who is even contemplating taking a gap year to seriously consider it. Thank you all for following my journey and supporting me along the way. I am so happy to be home with my family and friends, though I am excited for the next adventure in my life… whatever it may be.

Homeward Bound

My last few days in Cambodia were just what I needed to unwind. It was the end of my trip, and the fact that my next flight was going to bring me home, and not to some foreign country blew my mind. But just when I was getting used to the idea, I realized that I didn’t have a Chinese visa!
My original plan was to fly into Shanghai and spend the day at Patrick's house. However, because I didn't have a visa, I couldn't leave the airport. Which wouldn't have been all that bad, if it wasn't a 13 hour lay over.
I sat, I walked, slept and thought... for thirteen hours. I did end up accomplishing a few things that I had always dreamed about doing. I was kicked out of Burger King for sleeping, for example. I also perfected the art of sleeping on airport benches with an armrest every two seats, while holding on to my stuff. So, I suppose I can't call it a complete waste of time.
The worst part of the whole situation was that I was waiting to get on a plane for a 14 hour flight. Luckily, I had a lot to mull over and I spent much of that thirteen hours thinking about my trip, as I tried to digest all of my experiences. What I realized was that in order to fully appreciate my experiences, I needed to talk about them with people who know me. I have changed, but I'm not sure how. And traveling around Asia, volunteering for Global Roots had begun to seem normal to me.
Also, it was apparent to me that the hardest parts of my trip were internal. I was isolated by the language barrier, and so it was easy to slip into the introversion that dominates my personality. I began to ask the answerless questions: What is the solution to the world's problems? How do you acheive peace and happiness for all people? Who am I? And I became obsessed with finding the answers.
It will take me a long time to fully grasp everything that I have seen and done, and I hope that you are around when that happens, because I'm sure there are some very important lessons in there.