To be prepared...

It's better to go into class with a hundred questions than it is to go in with a hundred answers... I wonder if it's same for life...

Sitting back in my Johnnie Chair...

I have never felt so open. I am a field, an expanse of blue sky, a book the size of the world lying flat on a table it's pages exposed and empty, gleaming white….
Freedom has never meant so much to me. In the past to be free, in my mind, one simply had to avoid jail cells or the timeout chair. I never thought that freedom actually existed, that someone could actually be outside, or above, or without the restrictions set on us all by the world.
The restrictions of thought, of attitude, of direction seem to be built into us, the foundations of our very person seemed to be created by them. We are constantly told that we can only climb so high, learn so much, be this or that kind of person. Specialize, specialize, specialize! Is the call from our superiors and teachers. Learn a trade, a science, a profession and do that and that alone. Be somebody.
But here you don't have to be somebody, you don't have to be anybody, you simply have to be aware. We aren't told how to dig into the feast of Truth that lays banqueted on the table before us all. Sitting back in our Johnnie Chairs we never touch our forks, nor lay a finger on silver spoons, and yet we are filled, though never full. We do not gorge the supply of knowledge by filling our own plates, stuffing our own mouths, trying desperately to consume every morsel of it before one another. It is not a race, it is not a competition, the only person who will starve is the person that wants to put all that beautiful food inside them, where it will be ingested and turned to shit.
We share the droplets of water sliding down the curves of grapes freshly washed and do not dry them. We admire the platters upon which mounds and mounds of desserts are piled on but do not lift them. We share all this food without passing a plate, or cutting a turkey. You can not have your cake and eat it too. You can not eat your freedom… nor can you have it. You simply must be.

Do I love the truth?

Orientation was today. The question raised in one of the discussions following the tour was- Above all else, do you love the truth? I have to admit that I am a raving narcissist. I find myself walking around the campus, or sitting at a table and while I'm enjoying the people's company around me, I'm also constantly thinking of the ways that I am better or worse than them. And when I see someone whom I deem to be better, more well-rounded, more intelligent, better looking than I am I feel a twinge of loathsomeness sneak into my consciousness. I want to better than, to be the best and it seems the task would be much easier if everyone else sucked a little more. I catch myself dreaming of people's faults, of the ways that I excel past them. And so the question, Do you love the truth? will take on a whole new level of pertinence when I enter my first seminar tonight. If I look at the conversation as a competition then I will miss the point. The robe of my ego will get wrapped around my legs and I will fall clumsily, silently to the ground when the conversation moves to a point I can't grasp, or when I interject a comment another person has said already. It is not me or them who wins a conversation. It is something entirely seperate. It is the truth that ultimately is the victor of a good conversation. But... this place is great and it is full of people who know that they know what they do not know. Hopefully, I can let go of "Ben" and find the truth.
Also, I have a friend who has informed me that he has a cello, an extra cello, that he would be willing to let me use. Furthermore, he will sit down with me and teach me, as best he can, to play... I have another who wants to help me learn to read sheet music. So... I am set.
Did I tell you about the piano freckles that this school has? They are EVERYWHERE!!!

These brick pathways

I am finally at St. John's College. It's a bit surreal. It feels like home... I have this constant sensation of nostalgia, like I've met these people, seen these classrooms, listened to the tutors before. I don't think that in my past life I was here, or anything like that. But I do think that when you find a place that you are truly meant to be, a place that fits, that clicks, that slides into the void that your mind has created, there is a resonance that travels through every fiber of You.
I have dreamed about this place before I even knew it existed. I have thought about the kinds of people that my classmates seem to resemble. I've laid on the grass, swing danced on the dance floor, rested in the farthest corner of the library in thought, in imagination, in hopeful bliss. I have been here a million times over in China, in long bus rides, right before I fall asleep, I walked these brick pathways. It feels... good. I feel good. I'm home.
But it's only a launching pad......
I'm afraid that someone's going to casually pinch my arm, or gently nudge me off a cliff and I'll wake up...
I don't deserve this... not yet, at least.

I have arrived!

"It's like a seven and a half hour drive." So said Chris, my uncle. And I say "MALARKEY!"
It took 11... it should have taken 8, but the damn GPS was being pissy... and we weren't paying attention to the signs. Too much nostalgia and not enough sleep.
I'm here now though, in MD... after 11 hours in the car. Did I mention that?
Registration is tomorrow at 8:45 am. I should be tired. Shoot, I should be asleep! But the adrenaline coursing through my veins says "Not now, Ben! Not now!" Maybe later... ("Maybe not!")
ST. JOHN's, here I come!

Hogwarts

Since the first time I heard of St. John's it has had a certain mythical quality in my mind. The whole application process was a whirlwind of essay writing, website reading, mother consoling that lasted a whole two weeks! It was ridiculous! After my mother dragged me through the college application process for the second time, after all the stressful nights writing essays and official visits for crew, the pit in my stomach, the knots in my mothers back and the grey hairs sprouting from her throbbing noggin, the damn school found me! It was serendipitous, a miracle, a gift from God! How the heck did this happen?!?
I have never seen the campus, nor talked to any students, faculty or alumni. I've read about the program but never in great enough detail and I'm still unsure as to what classes I will be taking or what my schedule will be like. I feel like Harry Potter must have felt when he first learned that he was going to Hogwarts. Scared because it's all unknown. Excited because it's all unknown. Anxious because it's all unknown! It's all unknown! Oh my geezum flippin burgers!
St. John's is my Disney World. So many new rides to try. Like the "Dialectic Dominator!" and the "Circular Seminar Siren!" I'm even excited to try the classic "Homework!" ride...
Not only am I excited to go to St. John's, I'm excited to go back to school! School! Oh, how I've missed the classroom, the friends, the moments of insight and overwhelming curiosity. The feeling of a new pen, the smell of a fresh notebook, the weightlessness of my backpack yet to be weighed down by scrap paper and broken pencils. It's all so glorious...
And I will be there, down in Annapolis, across the street from the Naval Academy, 20 minutes from my Aunt, 50 from D.C., and a whopping 500 miles from home in just TWO days...
TWO DAYS!!!!!

Dog Ear

I am off to St. John's College in Annapolis MD. I am lifting and turning and gently placing the last page in the most recent chapter of my life. St. John's is a school that few people know about, in a town that is popular, in a state that is very different from NH. It is a new horizon and a new home. I'm excited out of my scull and nervous and anxious... What if my classmates don't like me? What if I turn out to be stupid? Or the school isn't what I've been lead to believe... I'm afraid that I will wake up one day to realize that St. John's was too good to be true, that I was dreaming it all up behind closed eye lids.
It has been a long year. I traveled. I coached. I read. I grew. I have gained a lot from my gap year. It has allowed me to grow in ways that I never expected or fully understand now. I feel as though college will be the time for the dust from this last year to settle and for me to emerge as more of my own person than I have ever been.
Just three more days...