Ready, Set, Go

Okay, so we can all agree that Americans, in general, eat their meals rather fast. At least when compared to what I have heard about those European types, it seems Americans don’t take any time at all to eat their food. I thought it was safe to claim that Americans were the fastest eaters in the world… Well, I have some very disturbing news- the Chinese have been training, and we have got a lot of work to do if we want to catch up. Luckily, I have taken some mental notes of their techniques, which I hope can give us the upper hand. Here’s their equipment list:
- Small silver bowl
- Two chopsticks, no more, no less.
- One large, flattish spoon for scooping the rice out of the pot.
- One ladle for the soup in the Wok.*
I have detailed to you before the arrangement of the food, and what types are present: fish in the wok with the soup, vegetables in a bowl on one side, and some kind of meat in another. The table is low to the ground, and the chairs I believe I have told were made for preschoolers. Now, what I am about to describe to you was very hard for me to form into complete sentences. It as if it happened too fast to even form a complete thought about it. To avoid confusion we are going to assume that the bowls are already filled with rice, which usually happens before the race, excuse me, meal has begun… Now Get ready… CHU FEN!!!
1) Pick up bowl (note: it doesn’t touch table again until meal is finished.) Grab ladle from wok. 2) Scoop soup with fish. 3)Place/pour into bowl. 4)Stick tail of fish in mouth- chopsticks grab head-pull forward. 5) Throw/spit bones on ground. 6) Place bowl so that it touches lip, scoop rice with chopsticks into mouth/drink soup.** 7) Lower bowl, grab meat with chopsticks and place in mouth, (repeat three to four times- or as desired). 8) Grab vegetables place on rice. Grab rice/vegetables with chopsticks put into mouth.***
9) Repeat step 6 until bowl is empty. 10) Stand and walk to rice pot, two to three feet from table, scoop rice into bowl.**** 11) Return to seat and repeat.
Total time: 6-9 minutes.
You may have noticed I did not mention any drinks… Well, frankly, there is no time. You drink before or after the meal.
Also, wear as little clothing as possible. The heat of the food, combined with that of the air, combined with the heat produced by your muscles, can be lethal, or just make you sweaty and gross…

*The technique used with this ladle is of the utmost importance to master. The soup is extremely hot and if you mess up and spill some on your fingers… Well, all I can say is- welcome to the injured list, my friend. We can’t manage to win if we have a man down, so practice!
** The technigue here is something like reversed circular breathing. You blow out through your nose to cool the soup, and drink the soup/eat the rice through your mouth. Once this technique is mastered you will lose a good 4 minutes on your time!
*** Don’t forget to chew!
**** This is the only time for rest, so enjoy it.